Hey my wonderful people,
Today I wanna talk about one of the hardest feelings for me and that is Love. But in order for me to do that I need to explain why love is hard for me. This post all around is gonna be one of the hardest posts I have ever done! This back story will also be a building block to my next journal also which will be about triggers because of past problems and how I have dealt with them.
All my life I have been made to feel that all my feelings were invalid and wrong which lead to one really massive break down a few days ago, but I will get to that later on. I wanna start from the beginning to show you why I struggled so much the other day but also help me by putting everything down on paper as to help process it and let it go.
So the first place I wanna start is with my mom. The one person that should show you love no matter what and love you forever actually caused the most damage. I feel like this really set me up for failure for self love and love in general. The house I grew up in was not one that said I love you. We didn’t hug or kiss or anything. My mom was also physically and emotionally abusive to me. She often would tell me that since my dad was not my real dad but he was my sisters real dad that him and his family didn’t love me like they loved my sister. This really put a line between me and my dad side of the family. It also caused me to not care about my sister. I feel not having a good family dynamic at a young age caused me to struggle later in life with love and family.
When it comes to self love my grandparents definitely are the primary reason I feel self conscious about my looks. They are very very big on looks. Why didn’t you do your hair? Is that what you are wearing today? O you forgot to put your dentures in as they look at me in disgust! This is the reason I never take them out! One thing that always stood out to me was when I had gallbladder issues and ended up in the hospital for 3 days. My grandma picked me up and was gonna drive me home. When they went to discharge me I got dressed and sat on the edge of the bed. My grandma looked at me and was like you didn’t wear a bra up to the hospital? No I didn’t I was in so much pain I didn’t wear one. She looked at me disgusted. I have a larger chest and uneven boobs I know that this shouldn’t hinder my life and self love, but when someone looks at you with disgust it definitely makes you start looking at yourself differently. The bad thing is they don’t even realize how emotionally abusive they were!
On to my cousin lol slowly we will get to the good I promise. So ages 9-15 I was sexually assaulted by my cousin about every weekend. I didn’t tell anyone until I was a lot older. When I did tell my mom at age 25 she looked at me dead in the eyes and said that doesn’t surprise me! It wasn’t until I was like 32 that I got closure to this and no longer had to fear him.
My last piece and probably the biggest and hardest piece to process is everything that has happened with my husband. I am not going through all of the 17 years, but there are things I wanna put here as it is the main reason I feel like I broke the other day. So during the 17 years my feelings were nothing. I was controlled and manipulated. The last few years is when it got bad. It got to where he could only get off if he was extremely aggressive with me. He would grab my hair and slam my face into his body. He has made my nose black and blue, caused swelling on my cheek bones and bruised them. He has been so rough with doing oral that my jaw was sore for days. I often had times where I couldn’t keep going and he would make me. I have had times of crying in pain while doing it but my feeling never mattered. Who cares if I want Sex or not it was happening. Even when I physically couldn’t after I was hit by the car and couldn’t use my left side I still had to please him. I loved someone that didn’t care about me and my needs. This really messed me up. When I would voice my feelings and why I didn’t wanna do stuff he would get angry with me. This would make me feel as if I didn’t have a say or my feelings were invalid and wrong.
The hardest part about all the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse is that I can’t always have a healthy relationship. It causes me to say Sorry all the time in fear of making my friend or partner upset. I constantly ask are you mad, I struggle so much when there are long gaps between our messages. I feel like I do things wrong all the time. This leads me into my next phase and new chapter and a good and beautiful chapter.
The best chapter of my life is now! Lol when I got into my dynamic with my Dom I most definitely was not looking for anything serious. But over time everything changed. He treats me and my body with so much respect. Consent is key 😊 He never made me feel pressured to do anything and if I ever needed to stop my safeword was there. Over time my heart started to catch feelings and when they did they hit hard and fast. They blindsided me. I was terrified to tell Daddy how I felt because of everything from my past. I was scared he would be mad. I was terrified he would leave. I kept it all inside. I eventually started talking to his other sub. I love hanging out with her. She is amazing. They both are. I then started wrestling with how I don’t deserve all the good that I had with them. The more I hung out with her the more I got feeling for her also. They have both been very patient with things that have came up. They have cared for me in ways nobody else ever has. The more they have showed patience the more my feelings grew. The other day all my feelings bubbled up and I felt like I was gonna explode but I knew I couldn’t tell them. I couldn’t lose them. I couldn’t risk losing everything. Eventually everything was ripping me apart and I ended up telling Daddy that I loved him and his other sub. He ended up telling me that he loved me also and I broke. I broke hard. My heart melted. Happy tears came. I have longed for so long for someone to care about me. I have longed for someone to actually mean it when they say I love you. Then when I talked to his other sub and I told her my feelings she told me she loved me also. It was all so much. In the 34 years of my life I have never felt more loved then I do right now. I never ever thought I would find 1 person let alone 2 people that would make me so happy, but here we are. I am so happy I found them. I am so happy they are willing to help me become the best me just by showing me love and patience.
Life has had so many up and downs but I couldn’t be higher then I am right now. I feel like I can do anything with these 2 beautiful souls by my side. I wouldn’t change anything ever. I never expected this to become what it has. Funny thing life is!
Well my lovely people that is all I have today and this extremely hard topic. I will see you guys on the flip side lol
Love,
💋Kitten
