One thing that I learned about myself this year is that I have a small….. I mean a big jealousy problem. I believe this never came up before mostly because I wasn’t happy in my past relationship. I knew that he wasn’t going to get anyone better then me no matter what. I did everything for him. I catered to him and he was just a narcissist back.
The first time I really got jealous was when I separated from my ex and I went to a local swinger club with a friend. This was the first time I was single in 18 years and wanted to have fun, however, I wasn’t getting any attention. I would get jealous of my friend because she always got attention and had plenty of people wanting to have fun with her. This also played on my depression also because I was left out of a lot of fun even when she said if we went together we played together. It made me feel unwanted and I often got jealous of her. Over time I felt like I needed cut off the friendship. There is one good thing about her introducing me to the club and that is I met Daddy there.
At first I didn’t have jealousy problems with Daddy because he had someone else as his primary. Once I became his primary I started having jealousy problems. I started to have problems with him playing with others. It became such a big problem that he decided that he wasn’t going to play with anyone else. Even though this is what my jealousy wanted my brain didn’t want that. It kept telling me that it wasn’t fair to ask him to stop doing something that he was doing before he met me. That wasn’t my right! This became a very big internal struggle for me. He told me over and over that what he had with me he didn’t want with anyone else and that he is a big boy and if he wanted to play with others he would but he chose not to out of respect for me. I still struggle with this.
At an event for our local swingers club we were on opposite sides of the hallway and this lady walked up and kissed him. I immediately stopped what I was doing and walked away. I became very upset and extremely jealous. We ended back in the hotel room and when he went to kiss me I pulled away. He then was like so what you don’t even wanna kiss me anymore. At that point it was the slap in the face to come back to reality. I then went from being extremely jealous to extremely upset and embarrassed by how I reacted. I think about this moment almost daily. Even though Daddy says to just move past it now that we have talked it out, but I have found it hard to until recently.
At another event for the club Daddy and I went to we were walking outside and Daddy was in front of me. There was a gap between us but not much. The lady that kissed him at the last event was going outside also. Before she got a chance to walk out the door behind Daddy I slid in behind him. My attitude was like Bitch try me again! You might have made a fool out of me once but you wont do it again. At that point I realized I was looking at it all wrong. Daddy has already said he stepped away from playing with others out of respect for me and that he doesn’t want what we have with anyone else. This means that even if others want it they wont get it. Daddy has said that he has noticed that I do it out in public also. Like little things like putting my hands on his waist or touching him. I never looked at it that way. Sometimes I just want him to know that I am there or show my love. I never looked at it as part of my jealousy. Most recently I have looked at my jealousy and honestly it all stems from fear. Fear that he will find someone better, someone prettier, a fear of him leaving like everyone else. I have found that my jealousy comes from me not wanting to lose the very best thing that has ever happened to me.
Over the last few weeks Daddy has helped me in ways I never expected him to. I feel like whenever I feel jealous Instead of just thinking about what he has said to help me get past it I need to look at what he has done for me over the last 7 months. It shows me that he isn’t planning on going anywhere, which I knew before but this eliminates any of those doubts when I get depressed or jealous because it is like showing my brain physical proof. The ultimate way I have recently found to help turn my jealousy into a positive Is when someone says something or does something that makes me jealous Is to look at it as well you might want to, but your not going to because he is mine. Daddy tells me all the time that this isn’t how this dynamic works, but I see it as I am his just as much as he is mine. I also have to remember I know where his heart is and who he is loyal too. I know whose pillow he lays his head on and whose arms comfort him. Emotionally I do just as much for him as he does for me. I have to remember that even if these ladies what him I know that it isn’t for what is on the inside. They don’t want him in the way that I do. They will never hold his heart like I do. When he is overwhelmed and stressing out they will never be his grounding point like I am. Honestly the more I think about it they should be jealous of me because not only do get him in the sexual way I get the very best part of him……his heart forever!
Love,
💋Kitten🐈⬛
